Top 10 Useless Celebrities
Okay, i got this idea from another blog who put together a list of "most hated celebrities." I'm creating my own list because first of all, they claim to "hate" these celebrities yet they post them all the fucking time. Ironically, these apparent "most hated" are probably the celebrities who are getting them all their fucking hits - ungrateful bastards. So what I'm doing is compiling my own list of celebrities that i don't necessarily "hate," but at the same time are basically, and for lack of a better word, fucking useless. So here it is, Celebrity Inc's Top 10 Useless Celebrities.
The Olsen Twins
~ Famous for - Being twins
~ Occupation - Actresses
~ Useless Factor - 6
The Olsen Twins are famous for one reason only - being twins. This dates back to the very beginnings of their careers, in their Full House days. A job they got because they were twins. Apparently, one was better at the verbal acting, while the other was more successful in the physical scenes. For the most part, after Full House was cancelled they should have gone away - but twins are just too goddamn cute to resist! they made about a bajillion low budget films, sold mainly to neglectful parents who preferred to force their kids to watch this crap rather than actually parent them - and the money starting rolling in! Of course that could only last for so long, kids started moving on and giant purple dinosaurs were much more entertaining. But, luckily for the Olsen girls, twin loving paedophiles took over where their toddler fans had left off. And that basically brings us to the present. So although the twins do provide sexual fantasies for millions of perverts - that doesn't count as usefulness... and their days in the limelight are numbered.
Shiloh & Suri
~ Famous for - Being born
~ Occupation - Eating & Crapping
~ Useless Factor - 4
There are important children being born around the world every minute - but their parents aren't famous so you'll probably never hear about them. I'm not saying these kids are actually useless, but them being famous sure is. What you have to understand is that it's not all the fault of the "useless celebrity" in question, it takes two to tango. They are famous because the public makes them famous. It could be because the world's so shitty these days that we'll look for any type of distraction. It's like we think Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise are going to produce babies that can walk through walls, or crap golden eggs. No offense to Baby Shiloh and Suri - but you two little cuties are pretty fucking useless.
~ Famous for - Sister of Jessica Simpson
~ Occupation - "Singer"
~ Useless Factor - 7
It was hard for me to put Ashlee on this list because i think she's so damn cute. If she could actually sing like her sister can, i definitely wouldn't have added her - but she can't... at all. And as we all know being cute isn't a talent, just good genes(yes, I'm talking pre-surgery). It's a plain fact that Ashlee wouldn't be anything more than a cute chick if Jessica wasn't her sister, no one can argue that. It pains me to say it Ash... but you're useless.
~ Famous for - Being Drunk & Slutty
~ Occupation - Actress
~ Useless Factor - 6
I have to put Tara up there with the Olsen Twins - she acts, but is certainly not famous for acting. I think Tara is pretty much drunk as much as she possible can be. She even had a show on Wild On where she just went around to bars and got drunk with her slutty drunken friends. My favourite Tara moment was in an interview when she was crying because people were calling her a slut. Her slurred and emotional response was, "Soooo... i get drunk and dance on top of tables in bars... geeeez, so what?" Okay, that wasn't the exact quote but it was very similar, and it doesn't help her argument. A big reason why Tara made the useless list was because she's totally let herself go. I mean, if you're going to be a useless, drunk slut... at least make sure you look good.
~ Famous for - Embarassing Herself
~ Occupation - Singer
~ Useless Factor - 5
A couple years ago Britney would have placed much lower on my Useless List, but these past few years have been a complete waste of everyone's time. The real issue here is that it's not all Britney's fault - but a lot of it is; Almost dropping your baby, letting him ride on your lap while driving without a seatbelt, careless and improper use of a car seat, saying you hate the media attention then doing interviews and naked magazine covers, getting married in Vegas then getting divorced, and then marrying the bigest dillhole this side of the galaxy... i mean c'mon, you're kind've asking for it. Britney, take K-Fag, move to Europe and stop being so goddamn useless.
~ Famous for - Daughter of Lionel Richie
~ Occupation - Avoiding food
~ Useless Factor - 7
I actually like Nicole Richie(from what I've seen of her in interviews and such), she seems like more of a follower than an actual idiot... unless you think being a follower is an idiot. Her relationship with Paris Hilton sure helped her to become the useless twat she is now and the only thing saving her from ranking lower is her very talented father, Lionel. He's the complete opposite of useless. Nicole is so useless she can't even eat properly - she's useless at eating! Maybe it's not entirely her fault, Lionel apparently wasn't a very good father and was absent for most of the time. It's too bad, there might have been a chance of some of that talent rubbing off on Nicole in those early developing years. Too late... you're useless.
Reality Show Winners
~ Famous for - Being the least worst
~ Occupation - Various
~ Useless Factor - 7
This doesn't apply to all reality show winners, just most of them. The problem with these goddamn reality shows is that they all spin off one another, getting shittier and shittier with every "original" idea. Sometimes the winner of one show will get his own fucking reality show. The worst ever are the reality shows for used up, has-been celebrities. What the hell is a person thinking when they sign up to do a show that's solely based on them looking like morons? Is the paycheck really that high? I guess everyone wants there fifteen minutes of fame - but does someone really deserve a million dollars for being a jack-ass? They should use kids from third world countries - 38 days on an island, living off off rice, fish and fresh water? That's a fucking 5 star resort to those people... and something tells me they could use that money a little more.
~ Famous for - Amateur Sex Tape/Hilton Heiress
~ Occupation - Annoying everyone
~ Useless Factor - 9
Big surprise here. Paris has made a lot of people's useless lists, usually placing first, but even though she's annoying as fuck and can't act or sing worth shit - she can still take a decent photo. I'm serious about that, Paris is extremely photogenic and has great bone structure... if she would have stuck to modelling she may not have made my list at all. Unfortunately we aren't that lucky. Paris seems to desperately need to be in everyone's face at all times(dressing like a whore in the process). To me, it's Paris' attitude that's completely useless... and she's dumber than a retarded goat. Paris is a perfect example of someone who would definitely not be where she is without help from a famous name and a ton of money. In retrospect, Paris is the reigning Queen of uselessness. Congratulations!
~ Famous for - Calling Lindsay Lohan 'Firecrotch'
~ Occupation - Being a grade A asshat
~ Useless Factor - 10+
I know i wrote that whole thing earlier on not "hating" celebrities, but I literally fucking hate this low-life douche bag. He's the grandson and heir to late billionaire Marvin Davis' fortune and is probably first known for his classy drunk driving arrest. To prove how intellectual this cunt is, he actually hurled a racial invective toward Lindsay's former boyfriend, Wilmer Valderrama, asking, "Is he in a mariachi band?" Another brilliant quote from Davis includes his comments regarding Lindsay's financial status(self-made financial status), "I think she's worth about seven million (dollars), which means she's really poor. It's disgusting. She lives in a motel." A real class act. What makes it even better was having Paris there laughing like a fucking monkey and egging Davis on... The perfect useless couple.
~ Famous for - Knocking up Britney Spears
~ Occupation - Being a Wigger
~ Useless Factor - 10
I had a hard, extremely hard time not putting Brandon Davis as the most useless celebrity on earth, but he's just not "celebrity" enough. K-Fag here has planted himself in the spotlight as a "hardcore rapper" from fucking Fresno, California - Haha, so that makes him more of a contender. Why couldn't this joke just keep lurking from under Britney's fat ugly shadow? Instead, he had to use her money and buy himself an album. Now we have to actually watch this moron attempt to "rap." The funniest part is the venues he's been showcasing his mad skills... the Teen Choice Awards and Ellen Degenerous - two shows where the viewers are either 11 year olds or 50 year olds who probably think he's funny. You think K-Fag will ever perform at the Grammy's, or the Soul Train Awards or hell, even the MTV Video Music Awards? Christ, there's real hip hop artists there... 50 cent, or Suge Knight would rip Federline's fucking heart out if they saw that shit.
Congratulations K-Fag, you're the most Useless Celebrity!